I love Hollywood blockbusters. They are the perfect way to switch-off my brain. Streamlined stories, teal and orange grading so I don’t loose track of any skin tones, the thinner the plot the bigger the explosions, and, best of all, the wonderfull amount of clichés you’ll get for free. Yep, I couldn’t have a relaxing moment without guys like Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg.

But, this special something that is getting me angry is how lame all the french clichés are in there. Seriously. It’s always a huge pain in my quality time whenever one of these movies features scenes set in France or Paris. Not that I don’t like being made fun of, no. What really driving me crazy is that these clichés are outdated to say the least. When you know that I can’t stand being one version behind on any software I use, you see how I feel in front of these clichés.

Maybe you can’t really notice it, because, you are probably not french. So, in order to help you fix this Hollywood, here is for free how to upgrade and update your french clichés for the next 20 years. Don’t thank me for making you save hundreds of thousands in dollars worth of consulting, it’s my pleasure (well if you insist, there is still this little thing I’d love to own to start taking pictures again. You can help me with that right here).

Spoiler alert

Incomming content full of clichés and stéréotypes. Be warned.

The Mime

Ok. I know you are using them as color charts for your camera calibration, but you know it’s old when we put these clichés in our own movies. On top of that you know that we can’t stand being made fun of, or that we can’t make fun of us. So if Les Nuls managed to do that in their movie La Cité de la Peur in 1997, you can’t say it’s not old. Sure, but what to update it with ? Well, you have different choices, depending on your scene.

If you’re in a suburban train (like the one I’m actually in typing this text), or in a subway, you can use the french hobo playing music clichés. He will usually be in his 50′s, play classical music with an accordion. If you don’t want music, you have two more choices: The french hobo asking for money to help him stay clean and have a warm meal (in that case, he enters the train car, do a little speech about himself and then will come collect the money), or if you want something less intrusive, you have the eastern european hobo just putting a piece of paper written in Comic Sans Ms, saying that he has several kids, asking for a euro or two and that may god be with you.

If you’re in a restaurant, it’s easy: An eastern european hobo trying to sell you cheap (and cheap) roses at your table.

If you’re in a street, you can easily add an estern european hobo with her drugged kid in her arm asking you for money. But if your character is a tourist in France, you have the still eastern european young girl asking for directions but asking for money as soon as you’re hooked. Or you have the older eastern europen hobo woman faking that she has just found a golden rig in front of you and will ask you if you want to share the prize with her.

If you’re in a car, make it stop at a traffic light. There you’ll have some eastern european guy trying to wash your windshield.

Yes I know, that’s an awful lot of estern european hobo for your typical french looking scene, but it looks like we’ve outsourced our poverty to them (joking here).

The infamous car: La 2cv

It’s also time for you to update your car clichés. We’ve moved into the 21st century for Zack Snyder’s sake. But fear not, because french car company Renault made a car for that. The Twingo. The hugliest modern car, just before the Kangoo, also designed and built by Renault. With both car, you’ll have a unique french setup. These cars are affordable and the Twingo is such a huge success that it’s even impossible to not see one when walking in the streets. With it, you’ll keep your désuet french look.

La baguette

Yeah, seriously, what’s with us having a baguette under our arm all the time. Sure we love it, we eat it, but we’re not holding it like that. We are not that cool ! Nowadays, in Paris at least, we are doing what americans are doing best: holding cups of Starbucks while walking hooked on our smartphones. But if that doesnt look french enough, we are also holding (especialy women) bags full of bio-green-healthy food. With big green logos on it, to show everybody how healthy we eat, even if we are ridiculously fat. No forget that, we can’t be fat, we’re french. Besides, Bio is the only way to go.

Le beret

Ok, I admit, this is kinda cool on Jean-Claude Van Damme’s head in Street Fighter the movie. No we don’t wear beret hats anymore, unless we are a greedy bastardly-rich parisian fashionista. If this guy is your french character, you can forget what I’ve just said, and give him a full collection of exensive Haute Couture berets.

Café waiters

Ha, the good old garçon de café cliché. We’d love to have kept them, but sadly, café nowadays are not as classy as what they used to be. Forget the back & white tux with a knot or a tie. Unless if you’re in a very hype restaurant, all you’ll get is a dull guy wearing the latest cheap jean and tshirt he just have seen in a shity MTV music video… Ho sorry, I’ve just been told that it’s actually an outdated cliché to say that MTV broadcast music videos. My bad ! So all you’ll get is a dull underpaid guy wearing the latest Jersey Shore fashion Line. That or a green Starbucks uniform.

French Kissing on a bench in a park with a bird

In Paris, we have a shity weather, so no ones actually have enough time to date on a bench. Then, said benches are full of bird crap. And what I call bird to be nice is actually a flying rat called Feral Pigeon. They are Paris first (of seven) plague. Stay more than 5 minutes on a bench, and you’ll sure get some creamy white stains falling from the sky on your overly made-up hair. So please, keep this cliché for a Bob & Peter Farelly movie. In a romantic comedy, just let them make out in the subway.

Traffic free streets in Paris

Ok, this one is just pissing us so much that you can actually continue to use it. No matter the time or the day, you’ll never find any street in Paris without it’s very own traffic jam. So if your plan was to shoot Fast & Furious Next in Paris, just forget about it.

Last but not least

Just so you know, we have iPhones, Androids and any modern electronic device. We just pay them twice the price compared to our american friends. So please, don’t make us use old non smartphone Nokia looks-a-like, or old fashionned CRT TVs. We would take this as a “Thank You for overpaying stuff designed in California but still made in China for cheap”.

Post Scriptum

Not directly related to the subject, but still close. If you have any french speaking character in your movies, please, give me call or drop me an email so I can write you grammatically correct sentances. I’m watching movies / tv shows / any content in original version, and hearing someone speaking your language like a 3 years old is just making my ears bleed. If indie movies can get it right, I’m sure you big guns can get it right too ? Same goes for video games BTW.